My Soul Salvation
by XxDonMelloxX
Summary: Hilde's gone off to do her own thing. Duo reflects on the pains, hardships, and influences of enduring a long distance relationship over the years. Songfic.


**My Soul Salvation**

A Duo x Hilde songfic

**A/N: I chose Gundam Wing for this piece honestly because I couldn't think of anything better to use. I had wanted to write up something original for this songfic, but FF . net doesn't have an original category... Oh, well. I've been needing to write some Gundam Wing, anyway! So here you are. Enjoy~**

**Dedicated to my Matty.~ **

**-Don Mel'**

_If you could only see the way she loves me, then maybe you would understand_

_Why I feel this way about our love, and what I must do_

_If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says..._

_When she says she loves me..._

A deep sigh escaped the thin lips of the ex 02 pilot as he leaned back in his chair, relaxing for the first time that day. It had been a busy month of working in the scrapyard, catching up with old friends, and attempting to balance it all with some time for himself.

It wasn't often that the outgoing man took time to seclude himself from others, being one who tended to find comfort in human contact. But lately... things had just been _getting_ to him. People. Words. Thoughts he didn't want to have that people seemed insistent to plant into his mind.

Stupid things. Yet somehow, he had let them get to him. It had happened before, but it wouldn't happen this time. No sirree, he was determined.

Duo rose from his seat, striding over to a window on the second floor of his home. His tongue flicked out to lick his dry lips as he stood with an arm resting upon the wall, glancing out to the lovely scenery. A pang wrenched in his chest, memories flooding into his mind.

_Hilde._ How many times had they sat outside during warm days picnicking on the grass, or laid huddled together in blankets on cold nights to watch the stars? Snowball fights, water fights... they'd had so much fun together while she was home. _Home_, with him. Where she should be.

He could feel his violet hues beginning to pool with tears he refused to let free as his fingers grazed the cool glass. It wasn't like he'd never see her again. But _when_ would he see her again? That was the problem. He didn't know, and she was so far away. It had already been _years_ since they'd seen eachother last. Sure, they talked over the phone and over the internet and every other means, but in person was growing difficult.

That's where the people and words and thoughts came in. All his buddies at the scrapyard kept insisting that he find another girl close to home. Hell, they even made it sound _easy_. And hell, Duo had even given it a shot once. They weren't _married_, so it wasn't like an affair, right? And if Hilde was going to be gone for such a long time, finding someone closer might be a good idea, right? That's what his friends had told him. Over and over again, until he gave in and let them set him up, and he'd given it a try.

But the pain in those eyes... the pain in her voice... the pain in his heart when she lashed out at him and then ignored him... It wasn't worth it. They'd set him up with a great girl, but she couldn't ever match up to Hilde. No one could.

No one _ever_ could.

_Well you got your reasons_

_And you got your lies_

_And you got your manipulations_

_They cut me down to size_

_Sayin you love but you don't_

_You give your love but you won't..._

Eventually, Hilde had forgiven him. Grateful to have her back, he knew that perhaps he had taken their relationship for granted. Such pain... he hadn't meant to hurt her. Somehow, he hadn't thought it really _would_ hurt her so badly. How could he have overlooked, after so many years, just how tightly interwoven their lives were? How could he not see that the love he held for Hilde was stronger than anything he'd ever known... and that his love was returned just as strongly?

How, he wondered, was his mind so weak even after all he'd endured during the war, that he could be so easily persuaded to do something so stupid?

And yet, it hadn't been the last time he'd hurt her. The last time he'd done it really had almost been the last time ever... because he'd been intent to make _sure _it was the last time.

Another girl who had come to work in the scrapyard had had her eye on Duo ever since she'd been introduced to the crew. She was pretty, Duo would give her that. She had been on the team for years before she finally started to make her moves. And Duo felt... _brainwashed._ Torn between Hilde and his friends' ever-present urgings to find someone closer, Duo had asked to end his relationship with Hilde, even if only to think things over.

The pain that time had been unbearable. _Unliveable._ Hilde was hurt so badly, and the degree to which she ignored him that time nearly tore him apart. Following that, he couldn't even _look_ at the other girl. In fact, he couldn't look at _anyone,_ man or woman, for any reason.

He skipped work. He skipped out on a lot of things, and when he did move, it was a shell. Without Hilde, it wasn't even as though simply a half of him was missing. It was everything, and it was his own fault. Without Hilde, he felt half dead.

Without Hilde, he was _better off_ dead.

_If you could only see the way she loves me then maybe you would understand_

_Why I feel this way about our love, and what I must do_

_If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says..._

_When she says she loves me..._

Everyone, _everyone_ nagged him about it! And Duo knew that was _exactly _how people had gotten to him before, everyone ganging up on him about having such a long distance relationship even though he and Hilde barely ever saw eachother.

Well, Duo was sick of it. After that last time, it had taken _months _for Hilde to forgive him. But Duo had _never _forgiven himself, and he knew he never would. Not after that. It had nearly killed him. Without Hilde, he truly saw no reason to live. Those few months had opened his eyes. It had been just what he needed, perhaps, but Duo knew he shouldn't have ever needed such a slap in the first place. He should have known from the moment he laid eyes on Hilde that she was the one, the only woman who would ever fit so perfectly into his life. She was his everything, his whole world, and his reason for living.

Those months of not hearing her voice or her IM sound or receiving any messages or anything from her, he learned just how empty his world was without her... how empty _he_ was without her.

Long distance relationship? Yeah. He would endure it. Why? It was the only thing that kept him going. He knew that he would continue to love Hilde and only her for the rest of his life. And if they had to communicate from opposite ends of the _universe_, then so be it.

_Seems the road less traveled_

_Shows happiness unraveled_

_And you got to take a little dirt_

_To keep what you love_

_That's what you gotta do_

He wouldn't lie to himself, though. Of course he would endure the distance. But did he like it? No. Of course he didn't. It was like placing a 2 year old's favorite toy at the top of the Christmas tree and telling him he could look at it and talk to it all he wanted, but he couldn't ever hold it again.

Duo bit his lip, the pain in his heart forcing the tears from his eyes against his will. He missed her greatly. There wasn't a day that went by when he didn't think of her, and he wanted her home so badly. He wanted to hold her and tell her he loved her every day so she wouldn't ever doubt his love again, just like he knew he wouldn't.

He sniffled, wiping the tears from his cheeks and stepping forward to rest his forehead upon the glass with a sigh. He couldn't deny that not much helped to ease that pain. Cuddling with his pillow was fine until he woke to find it wasn't her. Talking to himself was something he'd always been accustomed to doing, but talking with Hilde was always so much better. Laughing at something funny was better when she was there to laugh with, hearing her voice like chiming bells.

_Damn_, he missed her so much!

_Saying you love but you don't_

_You give your love but you won't_

_You're stretching out your arms to something that's just not there_

_Saying you love where you stand_

_Give your heart when you can_

_If you could only see the way she loves me, then maybe you would understand_

_Why I feel this way about our love, and what I must do_

_If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says..._

_When she says she loves me..._

__

The tears wouldn't stop. He knew they weren't going to. It just hurt so badly. He missed her so much. She was his own personal saviour, the light in his darkness, and the only thing he loved more than anything, even his own life. Whether she knew it or not, she had saved his life many times, and brought him hope when he was in his darkest hours. His friends? They could keep saying what they wanted. He wasn't going to listen to them anymore. He knew that he couldn't ever give his heart to anyone else. It just wouldn't work.

**Duo would love Hilde until the day he died.**

Saying you love but you don't

You give your love but you won't

Saying you love where you stand

Give your heart when you can

If you could only see the way she loves me, then maybe you would understand

Why I feel this way about our love, and what I must do

If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says...

When she says she loves me...

-End-

Song: "If You Could Only See" by Tonic


End file.
